How It Feels to Be In Church, Again
After Roughly A Year of Being on the Outs…
It’s been over a year since my husband and I were regularly attending church. We left our nondenominational, Charismatic church shortly after the 2020 COVID-19 shut downs.
Our reasons were theological. We simply had more time to consider and research our beliefs in 2020, and like many people- we found ourselves in a time of rebuilding.
Our desire was to move from the emotionally exhausting enthusiasm of the hyper-Charismatic stream to something simpler. We craved discipleship and Scripture.
We went to a handful of services as visitors last year, and we watched lots of services online.
Thankfully, we were able to find a church in our area that contained biblically sound preaching, and even a few friendly faces from the past. We watched online for a few weeks before darkening the door.
We have attended consistently for about a month now.
The following categories are my personal evaluation of how it feels to be back in church…
Perhaps these observations could help others who are on similar journeys- trying to reenter church life after a significant absence, for whatever reason.
Mourning
I found myself saddened as I observed the community in the new church. They seem to be lovely people with a fun sense of humor. Listening in on their conversations and getting introduced to a few of them has been really fun. But, if I’m honest, this community reminds me of the places we were before.
I think it’s a very legitimate thing to mourn the community you used to have.
Some might think that I have no right to this particular feeling since I voluntarily exited my previous church. However, having to leave a community you love because your conscience will not allow you to continue in the theology of the group, leaves you with plenty to mourn.
It’s quite common, I have found, that people don’t want to continue in relationship with you once you’ve affirmed that you think their favorite teachers are in error. For lack of a better phrase: It sucks.
Excitement
Finally! A church that is hung up on Scripture and being faithful to God’s Word. It’s a stark contrast to the places we had been for years, where the hang up was on how to get revival or develop enough faith to work signs and wonders for evangelism.
There is a level of excitement for me that may not be relatable to everyone, but the nerds will get it. It’s exciting to be somewhere where there is a lot to learn.
Truth be told, I was just on the denomination’s website, reading through positional statements and making note of which creeds and confessions they cite as pivotal to their theology.
So much of the theological outlook is different at this new church, and I’m excited to learn and discover how other believers look at things. Not to mention, actually meeting these other believers. But, that’s more of an extrovert thing to be excited about!
Anxiety
I imagine there is always a level of anxiety that comes with meeting new people and being in a new situation. In my particular situation, though, I find my anxiety pertains to my past with church.
This new church is in the same community as our past church. People talk. I wonder what people already know, or think they know, about my husband and me. That’s just a small aspect of the anxiety though- the biggest thing is around our reasoning for leaving our previous church.
First of all, I realize it is a very sensitive matter, leaving a church. People take it personally. What will people think when they find out my husband and I left a church where we were active members for several years- and we’re now at their church? Will we seem like flaky, unsafe people? Will they assume things about our reasons, where we came from, etc?
I find myself reciting my reasons to myself inwardly, trying to polish my words before they come out. I wonder if people will understand. I wonder how in-depth I will need to go to explain things like the hyper-Charismatic movement, Word of Faith theology, or the New Apostolic Reformation, or if I should explain them at all.
These things may be completely foreign concepts. They may even border on unbelievable to those who have never experienced them. I feel like I need an elevator pitch version of my story, and I feel like I need an Academic version with citations as well!
I suppose this anxiety is partially the reason I began this blog. I felt in simply not showing up to church anymore, I needed an explanation.
I realize I don’t owe my story to everyone who asks, but I do like knowing that I’ve got an explanation in my pocket to offer when an appropriate time arises.
Thankfulness
I am thankful above all. It was a difficult year, being out of church and unsure where we could go to feel safe again, theologically.
Feeling a sense of safety while sitting under the teaching in a church is a great feeling. Knowing the pastor is preaching with an open Bible and that the expectation is that the congregation trust his teaching only if it aligns with Scripture, is awesome.
I know that I am not the only person who has made the transition out of the New Apostolic Reformation, Word Faith, and other expressions of hyper-Charismatic church culture recently. The past several years have seen an exodus of folks coming out of these streams.
For those of you who are rebuilding after walking away- I pray that you find a place where you feel theologically safe. I pray that the Lord guide you to a place where you can experience healthy community. I pray that you find excitement in the journey, even if a bit of anxiety is mixed in.
I hope you know that you are not alone.
God bless you.
